Good day.

Tamara-
Today has been a good day for me.
I had a song in my head most of the time, one of the songs that I posted on your facebook after you passed away. I will post it on here as well. I heard it the other day, driving to church, and I just started bawling. I don't know if it was due to the fact that I was overwhelmed by how God used it to remind me that all I need is Him, or if it made me think of you. Lately, its like I don't know how to pinpoint any of my emotions or feelings for/about anything. I hope that counseling will help to sort all that out... or the medication. As well as starting counseling yesterday I started taking an anti-depressant. I never wanted to be one to be on medication to help me feel good, but I feel like I am also to the point where I am tired of feeling miserable and sad all the time. I really just don't to process everything at the moment.  I just want to be back to normal. I know, without you here, my life will not be normal, as it used to be... but I want to be able to feel things again.
I think tomorrow, after work, I will go to the cemetery. I have not been there since your funeral. I think I have definitely been avoiding it. I will take you a pretty flower/plant- pink, your favorite.  I guess I should get to bed now. Love you, honey.
Nickie

Missing You.

Tamara-
It's hard to believe that you have been gone from this earth for nearly 2 months.
I hate that you are not here.
I hate that I can't just come over and sit with you for hours, doing nothing at all.
I miss that.
I miss you.
It's so hard to think of things in my daily life that do not somehow have you in them.
When I think about that past, you are entwined in most of the memories.
When I think about the future, I wish you could be there with me.
I started counseling today.
I have always struggled knowing how to express myself, unless it is in written form.
Losing you has really taken a toll on me. My counselor suggested talking to you, or writing you letters to help me to get my feelings out over your death. I thought it silly to literally talk to you, seemed too much like praying to a false god or something, so I thought I could write you notes.
I haven't been as good about going over to your house, because you are in every aspect of that house.
I miss the kids. I went and babysat last Tuesday, while Jacob went to go play frisbee with the guys.
 Ethan was such a little pistol. He climbed all the way up to the top of the tall jungle gym thing, and I was freaking out. I scolded him for climbing up that high, and he looked at me and said "You no tell me something!" Well, that resorted in us going back to the house to play. Jacob made a sandbox for him. He likes "building castles" and breaking them with his feet. He misses you so much, and it shows in his behavior. You were his stability, his structure. You were his mommy. Now, he only has Daddy, and he tries so hard to keep things going the way you did them... but its hard. He misses you too.
Abigail is getting so big. I can't believe she is already 5 months old. She likes to play in the exer-saucer, and still loves standing up, all the time. She smiles and laughs a lot. I noticed that some of her clothes that used to be too big are starting to get too small. That one onsie pajamas with the cheetah print is really tight on her. I wish she was able to get to know you better.
I love you and miss you.